Paradigm Shift: It means a change in the basic
assumptions. You may need to change your view about your teenage child, don't
be quick to judge, label, or form rigid opinion of your child. Calling a
teenage child "Dummy"... "bad boy/girl ...", these are bad
labels.
Please note, parents' words are like word of God
to a child. If you label a child as a "jerk", "brat" or
baby, he is likely to believe it's true. Negative labels assault a child's
personality rather than just a specific behaviour; his/her self esteem will be
diminished. Labels tend to become self-fulfilling prophecies. The child who is
told she is "clumsy" might avoid dancing or playing sports. The child
labelled "shy" may seek to avoid contact with peers and adults.
Help your child by directing his/her attention to
a particular behaviour that needs changing. e.g "This room is getting
messy!" "The paper and pen you left on the floor need to be picked up
now."
Be positive. Open your mind to new things about
him/her. Little do you know that your concepts are often incomplete, inaccurate
and completely messed up, so be willing to change your concept when it becomes
clear that you are wrong.
Communication: Adults should be seen as allies
and not as enemies. Your teenage boy/girl wants you to communicate positively and avoid 'I told you so' lines. Discuss the reason for your rules and establish them, set limits also, and ensure that they conform to those rules. This will tackle the problem of the out of control teenager.
Endeavour to carefully choose your words when communicating with a teenage child. At times, words can injure our children deeper than a slap. Many of the seemingly harmless words that so easily pop out of our mouths like "why can't you be more like your sister", can cause lasting & severe emotional injury and chip away the child's self-esteem. The words parents use form the basis of a child's sense of self. Words are like mirror reflecting back to our children vital information about who they are and what they will become.
It's easy to verbally harm our children in subtle ways, often in the mistaken belief that we are doing what is best to teach them to behave. Most children are resilient and can handle an occasional hurtful comment from their parents. The more we are aware of potentially harmful statements, the more likely we will be to find other ways to influence our children. If you also use words like "You should be ashamed of yourself - you're acting like a baby!" ... "I can't believe that you're afraid of a little kitten". This is a shaming and harmful statement, a child is made to feel defective and inadequate about a mistake or misdeed. A shaming word demoralizes a child rather than empowers him/her to change. Some parents publicly humiliate a child by pointing out his/her weaknesses, for example, laziness, bed-wetting, and so on to others. Shame tends to lead to a compelling urge to hide or withdraw from the adult.
Lastly, let the child know that you don't always have all the answers and you too are not always right. Take his/her opinion and help whenever needed. Always take your teenage child's input on what concerns him/her. Don't use harsh or negative words on him/her.
Appreciation: Be graceful enough to thank and appreciate him/her at every possible occasion and teach him/her to do so.
Mode of correction: As discussed in causes of conflict between adults and teens, punishment and discipline are two different things. It's advisable to adopt the method of discipline rather than punishment. Discipline is a loving way to show children your desire to keep them safe, to teach them to make a healthy choices for themselves, and to gain independence. It focuses on teaching the child new skills, such as how to manage his/her behaviours, solve problems, and deal with his/her feelings. It also focuses on training them to learn from their mistakes and find better ways to solve problems in the future.
However, please note that there are a lot of different discipline options parents can use to manage behaviours. Each child is unique and discipline techniques that should be tailored to meet your child's specific needs. Discipline strategies that work for one child may not work for another.
There are plenty of effective discipline strategies that parents can use to teach their teenage children to become responsible adults. An age appropriate discipline help them feel secure in their relationship with others and promote healthy self-esteem. Discipline may include some proactive ways to promote new skills by the use of praise or reward. Above all, it helps foster a positive relationship between children and adults.
Attention: Willingness to listen to teenagers' point of view and giving it a good thought before it is trashed, is an encouraging and supportive attitude that means a lot and it goes a long way.
Apart from that, if you want to achieve a good relationship between you and your teenage child, there is a great need for you to create time for him/her. The child needs someone to find out how his/her day went, what was his/her experience in school (good/ bad), be concerned enough to know about his/her relationship with classmates, friends, teachers/lecturers and even school administrators, and of course, it is not too much to ask if there was any embrassing moment in the course of the day's activities.
Showing interest in his/her social life and activities, you may also want to know the new thing(s) or even slang(s) he/she learnt while chatting with his/her friends.
It's not a waste of time to sit with him/her and have about 15 to 20 minutes heart-to-heart talk. However, it can only be possible if you have created an atmosphere for that already. Let him/her have a feeling that he/she's chatting with a friend who will not yell on him/her after opening up, or look for an opportunity to use his/her confession against him/her, especially whenever there's an argument or conflict between them.
Sensitivity: Look out for signs of stress. It may be fear of failure, which could also mean anxiety; which is the greatest reason for stress, address them immediately by helping him/her to build self esteem. Be sensitive to his/her lack of concentration (academically, etc), poor food intake, poor oral and personal hygiene, disturbance in sleep, dropping or reduction of interest in social activities, it could be teenage depression, get professional help, or develop some techniques to program his/her mind, you could also teach the child self affirmation to overcome this.
As well, teaching him/her techniques of goal achievement, helps the child break down goals into smaller, achievable modules and this will definitely take much of the stress out his/her life.
Comparing: "Why can't you be more like your sister? .. "When I was your age, I used to walk three miles to school." When you tell your child that he/she isn't as well behaved or high achieving as his sister, consequently, you sow the seeds to resentment and bitter rivalry between your children. Children should not feel they are in competition with other family members because one will inevitably feel devalued and inferior to others. Even positive comparisons can backfire. When you say, "You're better in tennis than your brother," you instil competitive feelings and discord among siblings.
High Expectation/Perfectionism: Expecting the teenager to excel in academics, get good grades, be the child of their expectations - well behaved, responsible for themselves and sometimes for their younger siblings and bring in great compliments (awards) from extracurricular activities - is in itself enough pressure.
For instance, some parents would say "How come you only came in second?" ... You only got a 97 on your exam? What happened to the other three points?". Perfectionist parent push or pressurize their children to be the best soccer player and/or get straight A's in school. The message behind the demand is, "You are not good enough the way you are. To hold children to unrealistic expectations only lead to their loss of self-confidence.
We should also realize that it's often not the best grades that guarantees success.
Better still, focus on the positive traits displayed by the child. To put emphasis on the positive, you minght say things like, "Nice work on getting so many A's on your report card, " or You really ran a good race. You started strong and finished with a burst of speed."
On a final note, always ensure that you tell and show your child that you love and care about him/her.
Attention: Willingness to listen to teenagers' point of view and giving it a good thought before it is trashed, is an encouraging and supportive attitude that means a lot and it goes a long way.
Apart from that, if you want to achieve a good relationship between you and your teenage child, there is a great need for you to create time for him/her. The child needs someone to find out how his/her day went, what was his/her experience in school (good/ bad), be concerned enough to know about his/her relationship with classmates, friends, teachers/lecturers and even school administrators, and of course, it is not too much to ask if there was any embrassing moment in the course of the day's activities.
Showing interest in his/her social life and activities, you may also want to know the new thing(s) or even slang(s) he/she learnt while chatting with his/her friends.
It's not a waste of time to sit with him/her and have about 15 to 20 minutes heart-to-heart talk. However, it can only be possible if you have created an atmosphere for that already. Let him/her have a feeling that he/she's chatting with a friend who will not yell on him/her after opening up, or look for an opportunity to use his/her confession against him/her, especially whenever there's an argument or conflict between them.
Sensitivity: Look out for signs of stress. It may be fear of failure, which could also mean anxiety; which is the greatest reason for stress, address them immediately by helping him/her to build self esteem. Be sensitive to his/her lack of concentration (academically, etc), poor food intake, poor oral and personal hygiene, disturbance in sleep, dropping or reduction of interest in social activities, it could be teenage depression, get professional help, or develop some techniques to program his/her mind, you could also teach the child self affirmation to overcome this.
As well, teaching him/her techniques of goal achievement, helps the child break down goals into smaller, achievable modules and this will definitely take much of the stress out his/her life.
Comparing: "Why can't you be more like your sister? .. "When I was your age, I used to walk three miles to school." When you tell your child that he/she isn't as well behaved or high achieving as his sister, consequently, you sow the seeds to resentment and bitter rivalry between your children. Children should not feel they are in competition with other family members because one will inevitably feel devalued and inferior to others. Even positive comparisons can backfire. When you say, "You're better in tennis than your brother," you instil competitive feelings and discord among siblings.
High Expectation/Perfectionism: Expecting the teenager to excel in academics, get good grades, be the child of their expectations - well behaved, responsible for themselves and sometimes for their younger siblings and bring in great compliments (awards) from extracurricular activities - is in itself enough pressure.
For instance, some parents would say "How come you only came in second?" ... You only got a 97 on your exam? What happened to the other three points?". Perfectionist parent push or pressurize their children to be the best soccer player and/or get straight A's in school. The message behind the demand is, "You are not good enough the way you are. To hold children to unrealistic expectations only lead to their loss of self-confidence.
We should also realize that it's often not the best grades that guarantees success.
Better still, focus on the positive traits displayed by the child. To put emphasis on the positive, you minght say things like, "Nice work on getting so many A's on your report card, " or You really ran a good race. You started strong and finished with a burst of speed."
On a final note, always ensure that you tell and show your child that you love and care about him/her.
